stealhearted | are you hurting the one you love?

I saw, [He says into his knees, walking his hand to tap the back of his phone.] I should thank them for it, but I don't think I can look at it again for a little while.

[The futon Akira sleeps on isn't comfortable, really, but he likes this little corner of it all up until he realizes he's sitting on Akira's bed, and he never asked permission to be there. He picks his head up, looks at the bedding beneath his feet, then at Akira's hands nearby, blinks.]

[And then springs off the bed as though he were a cat and Akira were a cucumber.] I should not have sat there. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. [He knows Akira doesn't mind, it's just. Instinctive.]

Uh, actually... I know you're gonna say no, but I was going to say if you wanted to sleep up here -- it's supposed to be pretty cold tonight, and the space heater only does so much... [ Akira is not actually propositioning anything untoward at all, which might be the reason he flushes. If he was just flirting, it'd be one thing, but suggesting that your not-boyfriend share your bed for entirely mundane and cute reasons is apparently way more embarrassing. ]

But I don't mind you sitting there. [ Akira doesn't, really; he doesn't really think of a lot of things as "his" in a way that means they can't be shared with other people. And even then -- the amount of things he'd willingly share with Akechi is pretty high, so he's not really worried about that, either. ]

[He's lucky his hair covers his ears, because they're about the color of Panther's costume right now.]

Assuming you mean that solely in the sense of temperature due to the lack of insulation in this room, I appreciate the thought. But I will be fine.

[He won't, actually, but.]

Uh... I'll get cold without you? [ In Akira's defense: he's used to having Morgana, who is a small furry space heater even on the coldest of nights. He scratches at his neck, looks at the couch, and then offers Akechi a smile. ]

I'm not actually hitting on you, I just think we're both going to regret it. I don't have that many blankets.

[He doesn't... entirely want to follow Akira's whims, but he feels a bit like he owes it to him to oblige him, at least a little? So he smooths himself absently, standing stiffly near the desk in the corner.]

...I don't know that it will change how much either of us sleep, I move too much to properly share sleeping space with another person. [Which. Isn't entirely true, he is actually more likely to give himself muscle cramps from trying too hard to stay still, but.]

[He's not completely denying him.] I still have some money from the train, I'm sure somewhere around here sells blankets... [He can't stop remembering how nice Akira's arms felt around him and it's bothering him.]

I've been told I sleep like the dead. [ Which is to say that Akechi won't wake him up, but -- Akira doesn't keep pressing the matter. He doesn't want to make Akechi uncomfortable, even if Akira's pretty sure he has shared or would share a bed platonically with most of the Phantom Thieves.

It is, probably, different when he has professed his love already. ]

If you think you'll be fine, then... [ Akira trails off. ] But if I wake up and you're shivering, I'm just going to drag you over here.

[ Akechi's spot on the couch is objectively the moderately more warmer, given it isn't next to the windows, but honestly the whole attic is a drafty nightmare and Akira has really found the only way to combat the cold is a combination of space heater, body heat, blankets, and Morgana's fur. ]

[He doesn't know why this is causing him so much struggle.]

If-- [He huffs.] ...if I can't find another blanket, it doesn't make sense to take one of yours from you. Beside the windows would be colder, and I don't especially want to have you come down with something because I'm using a necessary heat source in your stead. [He's staring directly at his toes as he says this.]

It is also probably not wise to sleep with a space heater running.

I never get sick. [ Which is in large part, he's pretty sure, to the fact that he visits Takemi on a near weekly basis, and she's said that he's "shockingly resilient" and he has a never-ending supply of extremely powerful homebrew drugs for every occasion, but still.

He doesn't want Akechi to feel guilty about it, either way. ]

I probably shouldn't burn the place down, though...

[Akechi looks wildly unimpressed.] I doubt that.

[But he shoves his hands into the front pockets of Akira's hoodie.] You don't even pay rent, I wouldn't suggest arson.

Burning curry smells pretty terrible. [ Akira holds his hands out, palms up, towards Akechi. Akechi's still standing there, so awkwardly, like he's a stranger in the attic. He is, technically, but Akira can see him there so naturally -- he can see Akechi in the attic, in the cafe, in Akira's space, so naturally.

When he'd come to the cafe, before his betrayal had been cemented, he'd looked so natural there. ]

I know you don't want to get used to being here, but I want you to be comfortable.

[A bit of the fight goes out of him, and he shakes his head, shoulders going somewhat more lax.]

It isn't that I don't want to. [He leaves it at that, because it's enough of an admission in itself, and he doesn't take Akira's hands but he does shuffle forward and drop to sit on the edge of the futon.]

No one but me is going to know if you let yourself have nice things for a little while. [ For forever, actually, but Akira is willing to start with for now. He reaches out, doesn't quite take Akechi's hands but smooths down the sleeves of the borrowed hoodie. He considers how creepy it would be to tell Akechi not to wash it when he gives it back, but at this point he's not even sure that laundering it will get the smell out. ]

It's probably not the time to have another in-depth discussion about our emotional problems, so you'll just have to let me boss you around. [ He's starting to get that Akechi has to put up token protests for much longer than most people, but he's also starting to think that Akechi wants those protests to be overruled. Should he have tried harder, before?

Ah, it's no use thinking about it now, but he can tell when Akechi lingers on Akira's touches. ]

[The contact... is nice. He's a little unnerved by how nice it is. But he doesn't shy away from it, so they're both okay for now.] It's... really not that simple. [It is. It could be. He just won't let it be.]

[But he does let Akira paw at his sleeves a while, closing his eyes and just sitting still, learning how to accept positive contact for what it is.] Your... patience [Was it patience or just Akira in general?] is appreciated.

Edited 2021-03-09 23:41 (UTC)

I know. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll listen. [ And gently point out all the holes in Akechi's self-hatred logic, because Akira knows better than that because Akira has had very similar thoughts to Akechi on a regular basis before.

It's just that Akira has mostly managed to get over the urge to yeet out of this plane of existence. ]

Until then -- [ Akira leans over to the desk, not bothering to stand up and just moving to the edge of the bed to snag his laptop and pull it over. ]

We can watch more X-Folders until it's dinnertime. [ But on the laptop, which means a considerably closer quarters. ]

[He sits still a while longer, letting Akira amble around to get his laptop and suggest X-Folders again, turning to frown slightly at him.]

Will you actually pay attention this time?

[His voice feels like it sounds far away, like he isn't actually asking the question. He's so... out of sorts, because he's not. He's... safe, he's comfortable. Maybe not comfortable, but almost. Akira's presence has always been a strange sort of terry cloth sensation, where sometimes he feels sunburnt and can't handle him, but most times it's just familiar enough that he doesn't mind. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. Has he stopped trying to make it make sense? ...yeah, yeah he has.]

[Watching something on the laptop has obvious connotations of them sitting in much closer proximity, possibly holds the ulterior motive of Akira convincing him to sit in bed with him so that he'll fall asleep there so he can't back out of sharing sleeping quarters. His frown deepens.]

And don't think I plan to waste the evening, I still want to at least try to find another blanket so I don't have to cramp your sleeping space.

I want you to cramp my sleeping space. [ Really, he'll totally behave, hands to himself. He can't be held accountable for any cuddling that happens once he's passed out, though; he's a wiggly little furnace.

He sets the show back up, backtracking an episode to make up for the one that he'd completely zoned out over. ]

It's not a waste just to spend time together.

[He's still sitting on the edge of the futon, watching a dustbunny get slowly blown across the floor by an errant breeze from the poor weather stripping on the windows-- or maybe that was the space heater. He closes his eyes, draws in a breath, and sighs.] You really aren't giving up on this, are you.

You're not getting up. [ Akira offers it gently. He's learning a lot about Akechi, more than he had previously -- with all of Akechi's masks disintegrating, there's simply not much left, but he seems to be clinging to the remnants.

Akechi seems intent on punishing himself, if no one else will, but it doesn't seem like that's really what he wants. He says he wants to make his own choices, but Akira thinks Akechi might be alright with someone making choices for him that are actually... good ones. ]

I don't like being touched, [He says, suddenly, his body pulling tense again, and he turns a withering frown on Akira.] But it's. You keep doing it, and it's not terrible. It's... you said you have a better idea of who you are around me, but I think my problem is I know less about myself the longer I'm around you.

[He crawls backward, shuffling until he's sitting hip to hip with Akira, not-quite touching him.] You know I don't like unknowns, or guesswork. Not understanding my own psyche is the most alienating experience, and yet I don't entirely hate it.

Maybe you're just a different person than you thought you were. [ Maybe Akechi is just a different person around Akira, which Akira thinks might be the case, but that Akechi has been steadily infusing everything. That cautious politeness with the other Phantom Thieves; that desire not to offend those around him. Maybe it's because they could be useful later -- Akira imagines that's what Akechi tells himself -- but more than likely it's that sickly guilt, that desire to hold onto something he doesn't think he deserves. ]

You don't hate when I touch you, so we can start there. Maybe you're changing. [ Which Akira thinks is the real answer: now that Akechi is freed from having to be an assassin, and moreover, freed from that all-consuming anger, he's left directionless and out of control, a boat trying to get out to sea before the tsunami rolls in to ruin it. ]

Don't let it give you any ideas, [He offers loftily, turning to face the window. His posture is still... pinched, stressed, pulled inward, but he's still sitting beside him, so it's something, maybe. Akira wouldn't be wrong in assuming his aim to keep the other Thieves at arm's length was primarily due to the overwhelming guilt he doesn't think he'll ever shake. He didn't have the energy to think so far ahead as to whether or not they could be useful, anymore-- didn't have the energy to wonder about his own future, because he didn't feel like he had one. Like he deserved one.]

[But he doesn't hate when Akira touches him. Usually. Or he hates it less than he'd like to believe. Than he projected, up until his decision to admit he didn't hate it at all. Maybe that just applied to all of Akira. He still can't stomach the notion that he never hated him to begin with, but it seems like everyone else has already made that decision for him, so it's somewhat more pointless to keep attempting to prove it.]

[ Akira reaches out, gently, takes Akechi's hand in his in an easy gesture. It's like it costs Akira nothing, to be so easily tactile -- if anything, he's the opposite of Akechi; Akira thrives on the contact, wants it more than anything else, whereas Akechi wants to avoid it. He rubs his thumb across Akechi's palm, gently, then slowly settles backwards, partially curled to watch the laptop screen while being comfortably propped up on the wall. ]

How about this. If it's too much, then you can tell me to go study and I'll go downstairs for awhile. I know you don't want me to change my habits, but I think it'll help if you know you can have space when you need it.

[ And it'll also help Akira ignore the protests that Akechi doesn't actually mean, if there's a way for Akechi to communicate when he does mean it. ]

Which can go for touching as well as talking. [ Since the emotional heart to hearts are at least as invasive as the touching. ]

[He feels a little sick, again, stress pulling his features taut, but he curls his fingers into his palm around Akira's thumb, despite himself.]

You shouldn't be the one having to leave because I can't handle something.

It's just going downstairs. I'll practice my barista skills with Boss. [ Akira offers him a smile, because it's so easy for Akira to see -- to move around Akechi, to compensate for what he needs to and adjust the rest. He wants to do it, because he wants to imagine a life with Akechi--

Maybe that's ridiculous to think about, when he only confessed like, twelve hours ago. ]

It's not like you can go somewhere on your own right now, which... might be my fault?

[Akechi can barely imagine a life, much less one with anyone else, especially Akira. He closes his eyes again, nodding and kind of kneading his fingers against Akira's thumb.]

No, but... being left alone in your bedroom feels strange, as well.

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