stealhearted | are you hurting the one you love?

[His expression pulls into a grimace and he holds his breath again, letting it shake out of him like a quiet sob even if he hasn't completely started crying.] Okay-- okay. [He tries steadying his breath, fails a number of times, but eventually evens out to where he can take in a full lungful of air without it breaking off into a shuddering exhale before he can stop it.] You can..., [He reaches out, doesn't touch but splays his hand near Akira's jeans.] Would... If I can't... actively, would you just... [Can he make his hand a fleshlight for you to fuck, Akira, will that work,]

Edited 2021-05-25 04:38 (UTC)

... Here. [ Akira turns, scoots back across the floor until his back is leaning against Goro's front. He reaches out, carefully, and puts Goro's hand back -- just on Akira's hip, in an area that isn't too close but isn't too far. ]

Is this okay? I can -- [ Akira flushes a little, because it's one thing to offer to jerk off and it's another to be confronted with the reality of fucking your own fist while your traumatized boyfriend watches, but he can't go back now. He moves his own hand, presses down on the bulge in his pants. ]

-- This way, if you want to, you can. But you can, um. You can just watch.

[His hand shifts and hooks on Akira's hip as soon as it's placed there, but he's relatively certain he's not breathing until Akira has finished speaking. He wants to be entirely sure he is understanding this situation-- despite it being sort of hard to misunderstand. He exhales in a startled, shattered laugh, ducking his head to press his lips to the back of Akira's neck and then breathe there, shaking despite himself.] That's-- that's fine, yes, [That's... startlingly fine, actually. He's still shaken and rattled, but Akira's warmth and weight against him helps ground him.]

[He swallows audibly behind him, shifting to set his chin against his shoulder and not think too hard about what Akira's suggesting, let alone the anxious thrill it sends down his spine.] I-if... if you're okay, that is.

Yeah. I -- yeah. [ Akira knows he's kind of an exhibitionist in a lot of ways -- he's been a showoff in the MetaVerse for ages, after all, and Goro was there for a lot of it -- but he wasn't entirely sure it would transition to this.

It does, though, if the fact that he's painfully hard is any indication. Akira breathes in, carefully, letting himself relax into the warmth of Goro at his back, of the feel of Goro's breath.

Akira has never had to navigate a minefield like this before, to balance his own wants with Goro's wants with what Goro is actually capable of, and it's all a little overwhelming, but --

He can put that aside, for now. He thinks this might help. It's probably better to happen here than in the Metaverse again.

Akira reaches down to undo his pants; he doesn't bother to push them off his hips at all, just pulls his dick out with a quiet hiss and feels his brain go entirely blank. ]

[Akechi, meanwhile, is discovering a marked degree of voyeurism he never thought to consider prior to Akira unzipping his pants and pulling out his dick while seated against him.]

[He quiets nearly immediately from where he'd been taking in shallow breaths raggedly, and he's extremely still right at first, almost like he's concerned about disturbing Akira. He eyes flick between his hand and his face, his own hand against Akira's hip kneading at the point of his pelvis absently.]

[ It's definitely... weird, Akira thinks, but it isn't like Goro is completely uninvolved. Akira can feel his hand on his hip; feel his warmth against his back. It helps ground him as much as it helps him astrally project outside of the fact that this is a little embarrassing, but also --

kind of hot? God, Akira's life is just one big kink discovery.

Regardless, he licks his lips like he's going to concentrate and then wraps his hand around himself properly. He's hard, so it's not like he has to do a whole lot in the department of getting himself ready. It's mostly just dragging his brain away from trying to drift and think about 600 other things.

Most of which involve Goro. ]

[He's never been good at being on this side of anything resembling comfort. Often as he needs it himself, it's so foreign and abstract to him he can't quite conceptualize how it's meant to be applied to other people. He manages, sometimes, but in this case he's already strung so tight he almost doesn't catch the way Akira takes just a moment too long to situate himself.]

[He turns his head, angles it inward just enough to carefully press his lips to the shell of Akira's ear.] ...this is unorthodox, I apologize.

[ Akira's breathing stutters, just a little, at the way Goro's touch is so light on his ear. It's easier to focus when he has these little pinpricks of contact to sear through the haze of his mind. Carefully, Akira picks out the embarrassment and the awkward nature of things, and sets them aside, traps them inside a box to deal with later.

He doesn't want this to be hard on Goro. Well. Not emotionally hard, anyway. ]

It's -- fine. It's a learning curve. [ For both of them. Akira lets his eyes close when he starts to stroke himself more firmly, slow and careful. He doesn't imagine it's Goro, because he already has contact with Goro, already has more than he ever thought he'd have.

It's still a strange sort of thrill, to know he's doing something like this with Goro watching. ]

[He's still not... calm, by any means, his breathing still shallow, but he's focusing on Akira more than the incessant buzzing in his skull. He sucks in a breath and exhales, still against Akira's ear, craning his neck down just enough to mouth at the lobe below. It's a curious touch, because he feels like he should be touching him, and understands where Akira would prefer him to but can't quite connect the synapses firing like small explosives to move his hand more than continuing to knead against his hip.] ...that's one thing to call it. Do you-- um. Do you want me to talk...? [He doesn't know how to even begin to approach the etiquette of letting someone you've been filing into the role of "boyfriend" jack themselves off in your lap.]

[ Akira's breath definitely hitches when Goro's lips are against his ear, and it's easier. It's easier and easier, and Akira wonders if it should be so easy to do this, but he's not complaining. He keeps his hand moving steadily. Akira's a teenager, but he wouldn't call himself too much of a hair trigger when he's alone, usually --

but right now, it feels like he could come just thinking about it too hard. ]

If you want to. I'm not really sure -- what people usually do. [ This is not the kind of porn he has previously engaged in. ]

You would know better than I do, [The admission is just slightly reproachful, like he's embarrassed to admit it. He didn't have time for beating off, before, he had too much on his plate. Probably feared too much that Shido had bugged his condo, no less.]

[He cranes his neck forward, though, nudging Akira's cheek with his nose.] Turn this way. [Let him at least kiss you, he likes that.]

[ Akira's fumbled around before, but this is on a level that makes him feel like a virgin all over. He might as well be, because nothing even remotely compares to Goro; feeling Goro against him has absolutely ruined him for anyone else. Akira doesn't think there was ever going to be anyone else.

He turns into Goro, though, face flushed and mouth slightly open when he pressed up for a kiss. It's an awkward angle, but it's even better for how it pushes the last degree of self-consciousness out of Akira's mind until he can groan into the kiss like it really is Goro's hand on his dick instead of his own. ]

[Akechi, in turn, hums softly into Akira's mouth, as if to answer Akira's groan. He lets him fantasize, slotting their mouths together and closing his eyes, because it's a little easier to think they're just making out without Akira's hand moving in his peripheral vision reminding him what's actually happening. And that it's because he backed out of something he initiated.]

[He's a little uncertain about it, but he licks his way into Akira's mouth almost immediately, tasting an exploring because somehow this is safe enough that he doesn't vibrate out of his skin over it.]

[ Akira opens his mouth, hot and pliant when Goro kisses him deeper, because Akira's already having a hard time breathing. The taste of Goro is a heady intoxicant that makes Akira's mind go fuzzy at the edges, makes him blank out into pleasurable static.

It's not as good as when Goro is the one touching him, but the memory of Goro so terrified he couldn't even talk sends a pinprick of anxiety straight into Akira's stomach. He grips himself too hard, shifts slightly so he can turn more into the kiss, so he can reach out with his other hand to grab Goro's until their hands are entwined as hopelessly as their legs. ]

[He squeezes Akira's hand as soon as their fingers are interlaced, the tension in his head bleeding into his actions and making Akechi press a little harder into his mouth. It wasn't so much that he was so scared he couldn't talk-- he didn't really have a word for what had happened. It was part of why it was so frustrating. His mind was knot upon knot of ugly trains of thought that got tangled on their twisted, gnarly paths and he was having a hell of a time translating all of it to himself, let alone to another person.]

[It helped that Akira was so patient.]

[It's patience he doesn't deserve, but it helped. So he presses into the kiss hard for a moment, and then draws back enough to bite his lower lip and open his eyes to look at him, almost cross-eyed.] It's fine, Akira.

It's-- [ But Akira's voice breaks, just a little; it's too vulnerable to discuss like this, when he's the one with his dick out, desperate against Goro.

He feels like this might have been a mistake, but he doesn't feel like it's something he can stop now, either -- it's a train running away with both of them. He turns his head, instead, buries it against Goro's neck and exhales, shakily. He doesn't know what to say in the situation anymore.

He's in a little over his head with all this. His rhythm stutters, slightly; he wanted to try this so that Goro didn't have a meltdown, but Akira feels faintly like he's going to have one instead. ]

[Akira's state makes his fingers go slightly numb. Not because they weren't touching enough-- certainly not. If anything, this situation should "charge" him for days. He'd test that theory if they weren't both so raw about it. The hand still hooked on Akira's hip bone shifts, and he very carefully dusts his fingertips over Akira's fingers where he jerks himself.]

--fine, if you're fine with it. [He finishes the thought, maybe not in how Akira was thinking of, but they both have a better time of focusing on the other instead of themselves. He sets the pads of his fingers against the joins between Akira's so his hand moves with him without actually having to touch or completely participate.] Do what you need.

[ Akira's hand stutters to a stop, and then starts again, almost automatically, when Goro touches it. There's a small torrent of emotions steadily building inside of him, and Akira isn't quite used to feeling most of them in this quantity. He supposes it figures that Goro would be able to pull things out of him, too.

He doesn't reply; he doesn't think he can, just makes a low, keening sort of noise into Goro's shoulderjoint.

It isn't as nice as he wants it to be, when he finally comes -- it's less fireworks and more a momentary blanking of his mind for a few seconds before a hollow feeling settles in his stomach.

He can't quite gather the strength to move his head yet. ]

[He cranes himself at a frankly uncomfortable angle, curling his neck forward and around to pepper kisses along Akira's jaw when he keens, but his fingers stay where they are. As a result, they get a bit of the mess when Akira comes, but it doesn't bother him as much as he thinks it would. It's not to say he likes it, but he continues to leave them where they are until Akira moves.]

[Once he's done, he attempts to push Akira's face out of his shoulder with his chin, and when it doesn't immediately work, opts to shower the crown of his head with kisses.] It's okay, [He says it again, softer, knowing that Akira isn't the type to display his stress readily.]

[ Akira is slow to move, but he does it, finally -- moves to pull away, to extract himself from the pile of limbs that he and Goro have made. There's a flush on his face that isn't entirely from arousal.

He feels --

He doesn't want to think about how he feels. ]

...Sorry. I shouldn't have-- [ He can't quite meet Goro's eyes. ]

[He has no frame of reference for it, but he's acutely aware of top drop when he's seeing it happen in real time. He reclaims his hand and wipes his fingers off on the leg of his pants, reaching out with his other to slide it against Akira's neck just below his ear and hook his fingers behind his head. Leveraging, he rocks up onto his knees properly and follows him as he tries to pull away.]

[He kisses him first, white-hot and possessive, but keeps the contact brief.] Don't apologize. I'm the one who couldn't follow through properly.

[ It helps, a little. Akira thinks they both have their own hangups about these things, and they're in an unfortunate feedback loop of indefinitely triggering each other's buttons, but there really isn't anything to do for it except -- deal with it. Slowly.

He breathes out, carefully, trying to get his emotions back under control. ]

But you're not -- I wanted to wait until you're ready.

[A flat look.]

It isn't your fault I thought I was and instigated. [His hand smooths backward and then up, fingers threading into his hair.] ...here. [He retracts his hand, shifting and getting up-- he walks to the shelf beside the bed and claims a box of tissues, bringing it back over with him. He seems to have no issue with cleanup, even when it leads to a brief swipe over Akira's spent dick, followed by the floor. He gets two clean tissues, wipes down his own hand, and then gets another two and holds his out for Akira's.] Give me your hand.

I still should have stopped. [ Akira knows now, at least, that trying to push through it only leads to what is probably one of the worst orgasms he's had since that time he held onto Goro's glove in the bathroom in early February, and he tries not to think about that.

He tucks himself away as Goro tidies, and there's no hesitation, at least, when he offers over his hand. ]

I want it... to be with you.

[He cleans his hand meticulously, wiping it down with one tissue and then the next, and then rubs both his thumbs into his palm, massaging.]

...when I first landed here, I remember asking you to not make any special concessions on my behalf. This counts, in so much of a way as you didn't just stop, cut and dry. It... [He thinks for a moment, still massaging his palm with his thumbs.] ...it helps, I think. To know that even if I can't... participate, you're still interested.

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