stealhearted | are you hurting the one you love?

That's fine. [ Of course it's fine, but Akira doesn't mind reassuring him. It makes sense that Akechi would want to double check, because as much as Akira insists that Akechi has free reign of things, Akechi still can't let himself feel like Leblanc is home.

Akira imagines that kind of thing is terrifying for him right now. ]

How many steps is your skin care routine?

[He's never been great at considering much of anywhere home, but these are particularly extenuating circumstances. He's quiet, nodding when granted permission to borrow his clothes again, only to frown at the question.]

...five, normally.

That's not too bad. Ann's is eight. [ Akira shoots him a grin, finally standing up as well, taking a step away to give Akechi some space. ]

Just figuring out if I needed a bigger bathroom caddy. [ Since obviously he can't leave his things downstairs in the public bathroom. ]

Oh. It's fine, I don't... have most of my things, anyway. They expire. I can get something to put them in. [He knows Akira isn't telling him to, isn't suggesting he should. He's trying to include him, and it's terrifying.]

...eight, what on earth does she do.

She was dividing it up for me on "actives" and "topicals" and things like that. I didn't understand it. [ Then she'd been furious when she discovered Akira's skin care routine was "wash face with soap once per day", so. ]

I know you're not trying to be the detective prince anymore, but being able to have as much of your old routine as you can is probably going to help.

[A withering frown.] Of course not.

[He wrings his hands together idly, finally tugging off his gloves by individual fingers and setting them on the table.] Makes enough sense. I'll... be back. [And he meanders downstairs, winding up staying down there longer than he meant for, because he washes his face and then has to sit on the floor and freak out again, so he washes his face again. Forgive him for taking too long in the bathroom, Akira.]

[ Akira doesn't mind the wait. He takes the opportunity to tidy a little -- he doesn't put away Akechi's things, but he does move everything towards the bookshelf he's designated as Akechi's, and folds up Akechi's laundry into the basket to be taken tomorrow, which creates another small sneezing fit.

Then he just changes into his loungewear and flops into the bed to check up on the group chat. ]

[He steps out of the bathroom and stands there for a long time, looking over the cafe and specifically the door. Outside of these circumstances, he would have been using Akira's trust in him to flee by now, if he hadn't already. Outside of these circumstances he wouldn't still be here at all, he thinks.]

[He climbs the stairs slowly, testing his weight on each step to find where they creak, making a note to avoid those areas, and pauses at the top of them to look over his things organized like they belong there. He struggles with it a moment, but sets the bag of toiletries from Sae on the shelf and pulls away from it quickly, as if he could pretend he'd never done it. That leaves him with trying to decide where to go next-- Akira, who had already informed him he'd be making him sleep in bed with him again because it was cold, or the couch to keep some semblance of distance.]

[A brief chill skims his skin, either from a drafty window or the general reminder that he wasn't allowed to keep his distance, and he winds up flopping longways beside Akira and rolling into his side from the dip his weight makes in the thin mattress.] ...would Sakura be offended if I replaced this terrible mattress?

I don't think so. I don't know... where this came from, actually. [ Akira hasn't really upgraded anything in the attic because -- he's not sure. He thinks he was afraid to personalize it too much and make it home, because he knew he'd have to leave someday.

But he's not sure he's leaving anymore. He pauses for a moment, setting his phone down and looking at Akechi. ]

If we're not going anywhere, I should probably finally upgrade a few things, huh? [ He knows better than to ask if Akechi wants to stay long term, if they'll stay together, anything of the future right now. He doesn't think Akechi would be able to answer.

But this -- a temporary fix, a temporary solution -- he thinks he could manage it. He thinks Leblanc really is home. ]

[The mention of "we" is overwhelming enough as it is-- he knows why it's there, knows it's true, he is hopelessly entangled in Akira's business, at present, with neither of them able to do much of anything about it. That doesn't mean it doesn't make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he burrows closer so he doesn't have to look at Akira's face.]

By all means. A real bed would be my first suggestion. And possibly discussion of a door.

I don't know how easy a door will be, but we can get a bed. [ Maybe one with little drawers underneath. That'd be nice. He eyes the loft consideringly, trying to figure out how much they'd have to renovate to put in a door and how much wall they'd need to add -- it's a little above Akira's handyman skills.

Maybe if they're staying there long term. ]

We could put shelves over the loft, maybe... I don't know how much of a project it'd be. [ He doesn't know if they'd have to close the cafe or anything, but he's not shooting it down so much as tabling it for a discussion with Sojiro, down the road.

They haven't even officially said Akira isn't going home yet. ]

Put the door at the base of the stairs, it would be easier to build a door there than having to build an entire half-wall over the railings. [Apparently Goro has some kind of understanding of this?? He curls in on himself a bit, and then promptly expands outward, stretching like a cat before he sits up and stretches his neck, scooting to the end of the bed. He's still in his day clothes, which won't do.]

...it's strange for you to use the term "we". [He says it sort of loftily, while he pulls his shirt off over his head to change into Akira's borrowed nightclothes again. Hoodie replaced over them, he perches back on the end of the futon, one knee drawn to his chest and arms folded around it. He looks... less awful than he could, considering the amount of half-fits he's had in the past hour, but mostly he just looks tired. Comfortable, strangely. But tired.]

Well... we're kind of a team right now, aren't we? [ Even if it isn't by choice, the two of them are working together, and they're doing... pretty well. ]

I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but I think... it's easier, if we're in it together, you know? [ He wants to be "we" for a long time, but he thinks it's not so easy to look at the future yet. But if it's just for now, even, he has a vague plan of what to do, of how to do things.

He wants Akechi to be able to rely on him enough that he'll get used to it and not want to leave. ]

[The worst part is he doesn't want to leave. There is a stark difference between wanting and feeling he needs to. Most of his actions for most of his life have been the latter, not the former. He thought he wanted most of what he did, but as it turns out he just refused to allow himself to want things that didn't align with the plan he'd thrown his life away for.]

[He folds around his knee and looks Akira over, eyes half-closed.] ...is it?

Yeah. It's easier for me when you're here. [ It's easier for Akira to be part of a team, in a broader sense. He wouldn't change his relationship with his friends for anything. But having Akechi there -- knowing Akechi actually his has back now; knowing they're not having to play nice -- means a lot. ]

I couldn't have defeated Maruki without you, you know. [ Because that's a concrete, solid thing that Akechi can grasp onto; that's a thing that the two of them had to do, temporarily alone. Everyone else had joined in eventually, of course, but it was Akechi who had never accepted the fake world, Akechi who never faltered. ]

[He asked the question but he's still not readily prepared for the answer, so he closes his eyes and curls inward when it's presented so easily. He will possibly never fully agree, and certainly not yet, that anything could possibly easier with him present.]

[He sucks in a startled, sharp breath at the mention of Maruki.] ...I'm glad I could at least keep you motivated in the absence of your teammates.

It wasn't just that. If you hadn't been there, I... [ Akira hesitates, because it's something he hasn't admitted for a long time, even to himself. ]

I might have agreed. [ If Akechi hadn't been himself, Akira might have agreed. If he'd gone into that false world and seen an Akechi that was immediately content with the reality he was in, Akira thinks he would have faltered. He would have agreed and let himself forget, too. ]

[He mulls that over a while, contemplative. It's... troublesome, but not especially surprising. He uncurls from his knee, reaching out.] Come here.

[ Akira blinks, and then goes, automatically, taking Akechi's hand again. It occurs to him that he should probably be a bit more wary about being so obedient with the things Akechi asks, but --

Nah. ]

[Strangely, the immediate willingness both whenever he wants and whenever Akechi wants is helping Akechi's mind to form itself around the concept of Akira actually wanting this kind of easy contact more concretely. That's not to say it's helping him understand why, but it's making it more solid, more real, when Akira initiates it but also immediately goes for it when Akechi vies for it.]

[He pulls him by his hand and transfers his hand to his other, ducking under his arm so Akira's is draped over his shoulders, and immediately conforms to the line of Akira's body, however he chooses to sit.] I don't think you realize how much you're teaching me, with all this mindless chatter we've been doing. If I'd been more willing to do this before, I might have realized how foolish I was being, how stupid it was to think the plan I had would work. ...I was too focused on my own ideals, on what I was trying to accomplish, which is exactly why I failed so fantastically.

[ Akira watches Akechi fold into him and shifts to make it more comfortable for both of them, his legs splayed out on the futon so Akechi can rest against his chest without either of them having to bend too much. Akechi's just tall enough that their shoulders are always going to knock together awkwardly, but he still fits well enough into Akira's embrace.

Akechi's words are comforting, in the same way that they're a little horrifying; it makes Akira wonder if he could have stopped it if he'd talked more, if they'd hung out more, if he'd done more, more, more.

But they're here now, both of them, regardless of their mistakes. That has to count for something. ]

You were so focused, you forgot you were a person, I think. [ That's what it felt like. That Akechi was so focused he didn't have a future, didn't have a life outside of it, didn't acknowledge the possibility of anything outside of it.

He's probably having to relearn a lot. ] ...I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm glad it helps.

I discarded my willingness to consider myself one when I was fifteen, I think. [He says it... surprisingly easily, but in a very clinical tone.] You had your team to focus on, and you struggled to make the call to remind them Maruki's reality wasn't right. Because they seemed to be so happy.

[He leans into him, quiet for a moment, and then inclines his head toward him but doesn't quite look at him.] ...I think you wanted them to be able to live that easy happiness. You had so little direction that you knew you wanted to move in, beyond them being happy. I had too much of a direction, I had veritably painted little footprints on my daily life to follow, and if I deviated it was absolutely unforgivable.

[He chuckles, briefly.] To think I had the audacity to whine about you all being more special. Of all things.

If you'd been happy, I might not have made the call. For awhile, I thought -- I worried that you weren't... real, either. That you'd been brought back just to make me happy, and you were just acting how I thought you would. [ He'd be so relieved when Akechi last after the "spell" broke for everyone else, and then devastated to realize Akechi would still be dead in the end.

Akechi had, Akira thinks, been brought back to make Akira happy; it just hadn't taken as well for either of them as it had for everyone else. ]

But I knew you'd hate me forever if I agreed, even if he wiped our minds so thoroughly we didn't remember it. I don't think I wanted a fake life for you. I wanted you to find your own life.

Well, then you'll be happy to know I haven't been happy in a very long time. [Save for in these moments, which is so absolutely existentially terrifying he can't even make the claim.]

[He does lean into him just enough to feel like a friendly bump, not-quite smiling.] I appreciate it. If it had been anyone else, I... don't think I'd have trusted them to actually go through with it. It was... admittedly very uncomfortable, especially at the time, to consider I'd been brought back at part of a "life without pain" for you. I'm glad that I trusted the right person to understand I didn't want my choices made for me anymore.

[He's quiet, and then looks up at him.] But I never really asked how it affected you.

[ Akira is quiet for a long moment. In truth, he'd avoided thinking about it, because immediately after he turned around and saw Akechi gone he'd blinked and was in a jail cell trying to pretend he'd been there and known the rules the whole time. He'd felt like something had ripped out half of the organs in his chest, and he'd had a lot of time to think about it, given that he wasn't allowed to mix with the general population. ]

I wondered if I'd made a mistake. It wasn't... that I wanted a life without pain. But I didn't realize how bad it would be, to see you alive again and then lose you a second time. [ When Akira still hadn't confessed. He doesn't regret that, exactly, didn't want to make it harder for Akechi to choose to die, didn't want to make it hurt more, but. ]

It was getting easier, by the time you showed back up.

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