stealhearted | are you hurting the one you love?

[His hand is-- probably sweaty, he realizes in mild horror, but it's fine, he squeezes Akira's fingers back, uncoordinated. He doesn't say anything, just nods, bunched up where he's standing and looking at anything that isn't Akira.]

[God help him.]

[ Akira doesn't mind the sweaty hands, really. It's hard to mind when they've already had some arguably gross sex in the Metaverse, after all, so he just -- holds on regardless, and leads the way.

Eventually, he starts making idle conversation, which is less a conversation and more of Akira just talking to help soothe Akechi's nerves. ]

Ann's going to want to get so many crepes you're going to wonder how she can eat it all, but she'll really put it all away. Be prepared to buy at least two for yourself because she'll definitely eat your leftovers.

[He takes to smoothing his thumb along the grain of each of Akira's fingernails, tapping intermittently, but never in the 1-2-3 pattern, and the anxious motion slows as Akira continues to natter quietly. He hates, just a little bit, how easily soothed by his voice he can be.]

I cannot fathom how she keeps her figure.

She's started working out more often. She decided she wants to be a really good model. [ Akira still is not entirely clear on how working out a little and buying more clothing makes her a better model when the previous better model was, in fact, just cheating her way to the top, but he will wholeheartedly support her regardless. ]

She's planning to go study abroad soon.

[He hums appraisingly, at first, because any reason to stay in shape is a good one, as far as he's concerned, but the second bit has him turning to focus on Akira's expression with a slight squint. He broadens his gait for a moment to step up more alongside him, bumping their shoulders together.]

She'll keep in touch, I'm sure.

Yeah. She's not going to be gone that long. It's -- weird; everyone's kind of splitting up. It was different when I thought I was going to go home, but -- [ As fun of a phone call as that had been, it had gone relatively painlessly, especially when he'd pulled Sae in on personally vouching for how good Tokyo had been for him and how she was considering extending an internship to him after highschool.

Akira absolutely, unequivocally did not want an internship, but his parents did not need to know that. ]

-- Well, Yusuke isn't going anywhere, and Futaba's starting Shujin next year. Sumire'll still be there. And you're here, so. [ It isn't like Akira is worried about being lonely, exactly. He'd known that his year in Tokyo couldn't last forever, that the group was going to fracture and break apart inevitably, but...

It still feels weird. ]

Ann's not leaving until after summer, at least. She wants to, and I quote, "stick around long enough to see when Makoto buys a motorcycle".

[He's shifted to rubbing his thumb in idle circles around each of Akira's knuckles, focusing on one for a while before moving to the next, and so on and so forth, remaining quiet while Akira speaks.]

It's... very foreign to me to be so entwined in a group of people. Positively, at least.

If it helps, sometimes it's still weird to me, too. [ Akira'd had friends back home, of course, but -- nothing like what he has now. No one that had checked up on him after he'd been accused of assault. He might as well have changed his number for as much contact as he got from his hometown, parents included.

It was all different, with the thieves. ]

It's a little hard to believe, sometimes. I've had more time without friendships like this than I have had with them, but...

That'll change, someday.

[He stays quiet, beyond a hum of sound, and slows to a stop, squeezing onto Akira's fingers to hopefully convince him to do the same.]

...I'm-- can I admit something?

[ Akira slows, automatically, matching Akechi's pace -- or lack thereof, and looking at him. ]

Yeah. Of course.

[He draws in a breath, looks up at Akira, and exhales in a rush, wobbling where he stands.]

I'm so sick of myself, but you all just... want to befriend me, want to accept me. I don't know how to allow it, and I'm-- sorry, for that, for my fumbling idiocy and the fact that I am far too quick to become angry when I'm stressed. I want this to work. I want-- [He squeezes Akira's fingers, and his voice cracks, but he powers through it, even if he looks away again.] I want this to work. So much it frightens me.

[ Akira reaches out, grabbing Akechi's other hand so he can squeeze them both, gentle and steady. It's a rush of honesty that's nearly overwhelming, and Akira swallows it down carefully, plays it over in his mind before he responds. ]

It'll work. Even if you're angry, or I can't communicate, or we have fights, so long as -- so long as we both want it to work, we can work it out. That's true of everyone else, too.

They wouldn't have forgiven you if you weren't trying. But -- you are. We've all been trying to change, and it's hard, so... even if you backstep, I'll still be here. We'll make it work.

[Akira breaks apart each of his arguments before he even voices them, and he wants to be annoyed, but he just feels exposed, feels known and it makes him pinch inward like he's expecting to be struck.]

[He inhales, counts backward from ten, and taps Akira's fingers with his thumbs, simultaneously and too quickly to be the 1-2-3 system they discussed. He feels like the back of his shirt is caught on a coat hanger in the liminal space of his mind he enters when he can't process things, like he's looking down at himself, standing there with his hands in Akira's and his posture bunched together like a frightened animal, and he figures dissociation isn't anything new, but he's not quite so used to feeling so out of body. He exhales, and relaxes his posture, slowly sinking back into his own skin.] I used to apologize a lot more, before I got angry. It never did much, and then I learned that knowing a high vocabulary and how to speak sharply without really yelling got people to listen a lot more effectively.

[He takes a small step backward, loosening his grip on Akira's hands but not pulling away entirely.] ...I'm. Can we sit down, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Here. [ There's an out of the way bench in Yongen-Jaya, easily accessible but no one ever does except periodically an elderly couple. There's no one here today, though, so Akira leads Akechi over to it, even if he has to drop one of Akechi's hands to do it. Akira sits down a little too close to Akechi, fitting alongside him like a warm, reassuring presence, a gentle heartbeat. ]

It's impressive, though. I know you don't think so, because you used your intelligence for things you're not proud of, but you... didn't have a lot to work with, and you still managed to crawl upwards. [ Akira doesn't know a lot about the foster system in Japan, and what he does know he's gleaned from Sojiro, Sae, Futaba, and Akechi, but --

It's not like there were resources there for Akechi. He wouldn't be surprised if Akechi himself -- or later, Shido -- had to pay his tuition on his own, since he'd gone to one of the more prestigious schools. ]

[He's used to being relatively active, or at least constantly in motion, even when he isn't prepared to be, so it's a feat in and of itself that he's willing to ask to sit so early. They've barely even left Leblanc, and his heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest in some kind of macabre reenactment of that scene from Alien. He appreciates Akira's closeness as they sit, more than he might have expected, closing his eyes and soaking him in with one hand still tangled in his.]

[He angles his head toward him without opening his eyes when he starts talking again, and opens his eyes in short passes, sort of the reverse of blinking. He does that for the whole time he talks, humming thoughtfully.] It was very much a do or die sort of scenario. If I didn't do it, certainly no one was going to do it for me, so... [He claims their joined hands into his lap and runs his free fingertips over the back of Akira's knuckles, and grins sharply.] It was a bit more of a clawing motion than crawling-- picture a cat climbing the curtains.

A lot of people would probably have given up. [ Not Akechi, not Akira. But a lot of people. That's why they specifically had the "spirit of rebellion", after all -- they were young and defiant, still protesting against the system that wanted to crush them. Akira didn't want to be his parents.

Akechi didn't either, but for very different reasons. ]

I know you're not used to people being proud of you, but I am. [ For surviving, even when he didn't want to; for managing to make a turn around. The past few weeks have been rocky, but there's still been a notable improvement: Akechi is trying, working on the slow attempt at changing himself, and Akira knows how hard it is and admires it.

Which might just be because he's enamored, but he likes to think it's a fair and objective opinion. ]

I'm not a lot of people, [He says it staring out at the street, largely unseeing, and the distance is evident in his eyes. He's still running his fingertips over Akira's knuckles, grounding himself with the gesture, but he's floating away in tiny increments.]

[And Akira's statement of being proud of him yanks on the rope dangling from his hot air balloon as it drifts, so he's still distant but stops getting father, laughing in an abrupt, embarrassed way. His whole face dusts pink in a way that shows just how much he appreciates the sentiment, and he shunts his weight sideways into Akira's shoulder.] ...you sure know how to sweet talk.

[ Akira has successfully yanked Goro back down to earth, which is really all he was trying to do. To have him stay next to Akira, to stay somewhere Akira could follow -- that was the important thing. That was all Akira was trying to do. He wanted to give Goro space, but not in a way like that, not where Goro wasn't even aware of the space he was getting.

He leans back against Goro when Goro leans in, resting their shoulders against each other. ]

I think it's just easy to compliment you.

[He smiles, and the expression sticks for a minute, faint but absolutely there.] It's been a long time since I've been genuinely praised for something I actually accept as praiseworthy.

[A beat, and he laughs, raising his other hand away from pawing Akira's hand to put the back of it to his mouth.] That makes me sound so pretentious. Though I guess I am. [His hand smears across his mouth and to the outside of his neck, slowly pushing his hair off his shoulder and then behind his ear again.]

A lot of people praised you for things that you were just pretending to be. [ Akira says it a little clinically -- he was never really fooled by Goro, so he never complimented him based on those things. The intelligence Goro has was never based on his "deductions" or his detective prince persona; the sweet side of Goro was never based on that falsely pleasant image he used to project. ]

But I get to know the real you and still like you, even if you're a little pretentious sometimes.

[He hums again, nodding, pulling on the ends of his hair.] I really... don't know if I completely know what of me is real and what of me is fake, anymore. I spent so long projecting things I thought people wanted.

[An abrupt scoff and he shoves his weight into Akira gently.] You aren't supposed to agree! [But-- he's grinning. He's actually sincerely grinning.]

You'll figure it out. [ Akira says, with complete confidence. Akira's said before that he thinks the real Akechi is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes, and even when Akechi disagrees, he stands by that. Akechi wouldn't have been able to fake everything so well if so much of it wasn't at least a little rooted in truth.

Akira doesn't think about it too often, because it makes him a little depressed, but he imagines that if things had gone differently, Akechi might be a lot more of that nice, gentle personality he had faked so well on television. If he'd had a different family. ]

You'd get more mad if I lied and said you were humble and modest!

[He laughs again, just a short burst of sound, and brings their joined hands up to kiss the back of Akira's.]

Shut up, that's enough out of you. Let's-- I'm okay, let's keep going. [He stands, twisting to keep hold of Akira's hand and pull him up with him.]

[ Hearing Goro's laugh is as addictive as kissing him. Akira wants to hear it more often, forever, as many times and in as many ways as possible. It's really nice... it's really nice.

Akira rises to his feet and falls back into step, but doesn't let go of his grip on Goro's hand. ]

Since we've agreed it's a date, I'm going to insist on paying for you.

[He twists a bit and frowns at him for that, hunching his shoulders.]

You'll sulk if I argue.

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