are you hurting the one you love?

[stealhearted]

psst psst [clicks tongue for akechi, sets out curry as a treat]--

Comments

[stealhearted]

I know it's impossible, but sometimes I think about if we'd met earlier. I think I would have looked up to you. [ It's a dangerous topic, but Akira says it in a careful, level voice, like there's no judgement or even real regret -- just a hypothetical that he thinks about sometimes. ]

Maybe I'd have been able to change my outfit. [ He always wondered about that, but he figured it was the trade off for being able to use about two hundred persona. ]

[forfeited]

[And Akechi is just out of sorts enough to not immediately reject the topic, distant and pensive in a way he isn't, usually. He's dulled, when he's usually very sharp and reactive.] ...I think even if we'd met earlier, I wouldn't have shared that I used the Metaverse until later.

[A snort.] Hopefully not quite like I did.

[stealhearted]

In my daydreams, I like to imagine that we run into each other in the Metaverse and start in on a sordid romance. [ He grins, knowing that's not how it would work at all in reality -- but it's nice to think about. ]

But better late than never. [ He bumps their shoulders, very gently, to show that he's teasing; that he's happy with the way things turned out. ]

[forfeited]

[Another snort, and he shakes his head, pulling away from him to wander a few paces.] I wish the idea of having met you before everything wasn't so terrifying. It seems like a nice pipe dream.

[stealhearted]

It's nice. I don't need to think about it as much now that you're back. [ There's a hint of a confession in there -- that when Akechi was dead, Akira leaned much more heavily on fantasy. He can look back on it now and realize how much he'd missed Akechi, but in the moment, he'd been compartmentalizing it so hard... ]

[forfeited]

[He turns to look at him over his shoulder, the lamplight casting odd yellow shadows across his skin.] ...suppose I'm glad to have pulled you from fantasy.

[stealhearted]

The real thing is much better. [ Akira's not sure Akechi will believe that, but it's the truth; it's why they'd rejected Maruki's reality, after all. Akira could have had an Akechi that didn't even think of rejecting him, an Akechi with fewer issues and more confidence.

Maybe Akira still would have been happy. It's hard to say. ]

I'm glad to be with you, either way.

[forfeited]

[His expression wilts around the edges.] ...my mother would have adored you. [Which is as much a self-hating comment as any, given he considers himself unwanted even to her.

[stealhearted]

My parents would hate you, which is the highest praise I can give you. [ It's a little dry, but when he looks at Akechi to give him a smile, it's no less genuine. ]

I'll be sure not to disappoint her.

[forfeited]

[He makes a sound that isn't quite a chuckle but tries, exhausted by Akira's constant genuine everything.] Even without having met them, I'm certain the feeling is mutual. What is this park called...? It's rather pleasant.

[stealhearted]

Setagaya. It's nice. There's a kid's park nearby with little cars. [ Akira has no reason to ever go to the kid's park since the only child he knows would rather die than be caught dead on a non-electronic game of any kind, but he's meandered through aimlessly a few times with a grocery bag. ]

I usually hang out in Leblanc, but this place is nice when I want a break from the coffee.

[forfeited]

I can't imagine that ever happening. Is there a walking path...? Yongen seems relatively quiet, so I would assume it's reasonably safe at night. [He's tapping his fingers together again, anxious to keep moving.]

[stealhearted]

Yeah. It circles around. C'mon. I'll show you where I usually go. [ This time, he does take Akechi's hand, mostly to stop the nervous tapping. There's no one really around, so he thinks it's safe enough, but he doesn't hold tightly enough for Akechi to not be able to pull away. ]

[forfeited]

[He thinks he's always done it, in some form-- even the Detective Prince had a few nervous tics, they were just usually in the form of him bouncing his leg crossed over the other, in time with moments he was made to consider how he was answering a question, or specifically done with his hands folded together in his lap so no one could tell he was tapping his thumb against the first joint of his opposite one, either in time to a clock ticking or at a specific point in the far too many sentences running through his brain. No one ever really paid much attention to anything but his face, as the Detective Prince, anyway, which was why he got so good at keeping that impassive and approachable.]

[Not that any of it matters anymore. Akira could probably always see through him, the spook, and he's an exhumed corpse these days so what he looks like isn't much of a priority.]

[Either way, he doesn't pull away from the hand, mostly because he's still wearing gloves, so there's some degree of separation.] ...mmn.

[stealhearted]

Why'd you start wearing gloves? [ Akira asks, so calmly that it almost sounds rhetorical. It isn't. Akira thinks he knows the answer, but he wants to hear it from Akechi's own mouth, thinks it's better in Akechi's words. He rubs his finger across the leather of Akechi's hand, glancing over at him as he pulls him along Akira's own route through the park at a leisurely pace.

It's a little surreal, with the lights and the stars above them and the quiet sounds of the night -- the roadway, far away; the bugs; the trees.

It'd be romantic, if they weren't both kind of messes. ]

[forfeited]

...I already told you I don't like being touched, [It's not really an answer, but it's all he feels like supplying, right then. A moment later, he grins.] Plus, it makes it easier to not leave fingerprints when you shoot people in the head. [He pinches one of Akira's fingers moreso than he squeezes it.]

[He's glad for the quiet ambiance, the lack of bustle and noise of the city. He'd be lying if he said he didn't crave space more than living within the metropolitan area of Tokyo gave him.]

[stealhearted]

I'm glad you seem to mind when I touch you less. [ Akira gives him a smile. Akira knows Akechi would say that Akira isn't special, but -- Akira's starting to think that maybe he is, for Akechi, a little bit special like Akechi is to him, and the idea fills him with an anxious thrill like sending a calling card.

He's never wanted something so badly before. ]

I always thought it was funny that we wore gloves in the Metaverse when no one could dust for fingerprints anyway.

[forfeited]

[His grin immediately becomes him rolling his eyes, shaking his head.] Did you forget the part where touching you is now required for me to be alive? I don't especially want to die a third time.

[He wrinkles his nose.] With the color of yours, I'd say it was mostly for show, anyway. I can't really speak on the matter, since I went from looking like something out of a sick fairy tale to looking like a child's halloween costume of the monster under their bed. [Which possibly isn't too far from the truth, with Black Mask.]

[stealhearted]

I thought you looked handsome. [ Akira does not elaborate on which costume he found attractive, because he enjoyed them both in very different ways, and wanted to do very different things to Akechi based on costume. He wanted to undo Robin Hood; he wanted to ruin Loki.

Sometimes he really wonders how Akechi is the unhinged murderer and Akira is the apparently normal one when Akira appears to have had significantly more r-rated fantasies that go well into the spectrum of incredibly fucked up, but he doesn't give it too much thought, because he feels like he won't like the answer. (Akechi would vehemently deny the mere idea that Akira might be more fucked up than Akechi, which. Fair.) ]

[forfeited]

[At least most of Akira's R-Rated fantasies are sexual in nature and don't involve the visceral murder of his father.]

[He doesn't bother responding to his comment, though, just making an irritated sound at it and pinching his finger again, lapsing into silence he's surprised to find companionable. He never minded silence, nor was he typically the type to fill silence with words when he was bothered by it, but if at any point prior to their current situation he had been presented with the idea of wandering through a park after dark with Akira Kurusu and finding silence shared between them companionable, he probably would have laughed.]

[So it takes him a moment to shift the conversation away again.] ...do you pass through this park often?

[stealhearted]

[ Akira is not above fantasies involving murdering Shido specifically and then fucking on his grave. Don't be fooled by the glasses. ]>

Not that often. It's a little out of the way. I didn't want to draw any attention, for a long time, and after I got out of jail, it felt--

[ He wasn't used to it, that's all. He didn't want to roam and think about Akechi; think about being in prison; think about going home. He didn't want to think. So he drowned out the noise with the coffee grinder at Leblanc. ]

[forfeited]

[Please do you both an enormous favor and never share that particular fantasy with Akechi, Akira. Holy shit.]

[This time, he pulls on his finger rather than pinches it, slowing until he stops walking and keeps his thumb and forefinger grasped onto just Akira's index finger.] It felt? I've divulged a great deluge of emotional garbage on you in the last 48-hours, I owe it to you to listen to at least some of yours.

[stealhearted]

Lonely. Loud. I was so used to being with people... [ He won't admit that he would rehearse speeches to himself, things he could have said to Akechi to have changed his mind, changed his heart. He thought about them and chased himself in circles and never went anywhere because he never knew if any of them would work.

He forgets them all the second Akechi actually looks at him, though, so apparently the rehearsals didn't matter in the face of Akechi actually coming back to life. ]

It was easier for me, if I stayed busy.

[forfeited]

[He pulls a little on his finger again, but then releases it and strides past him, letting his hand trail behind him in a clear invitation for Akira to reclaim his fingers if he wants.] That's like you. Distract yourself from your stress, focus on outside stimuli.

I would apologize for contributing to your stress, but I'm still not convinced it could have gone any other way.

[stealhearted]

I think it had to go this way. That doesn't make it any easier. [ It didn't have to go this way, really -- but it did, based on so many things. To prevent the way things happened would have needed to start years and years prior.

Akira imagines Akechi thinks it should have started with never being born; Akira thinks they both should have been born to different families. He thinks about being Sojiro's actual son, sometimes. It might have been nice.

He does reclaim Akechi's hand, after a moment, letting Akechi take the lead on the path in the park. ]

I'm only good at keeping my own company if I'm busy.