are you hurting the one you love?

[stealhearted]

psst psst [clicks tongue for akechi, sets out curry as a treat]--

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[stealhearted]

[ Akira is silent for a long moment, because it's... true. He's known that for awhile; that he'd be happier staying in Leblanc, that he doesn't want to leave. But he's heard the discussions, too -- everyone else is leaving and moving on. ]

There's not going to be space for me forever. [ Not in Leblanc, but in everyone's lives. Ann's studying abroad, Makoto and Haru are graduating, everyone is --

No one needs him anymore. It's kind of bittersweet. ]

[forfeited]

[He squeezes his thumb.]

You can't tell me I'll always have a place with you if you can't find your own.

[stealhearted]

Can't my place be with you? [ Is that too much to ask? It probably is, but there's a slight note of desperation in his voice. Akira said that Akechi was the first thing he'd wanted just for himself, and it's true; he knows that loving Akechi is dangerous, is something that his friends don't really like. They're all tolerating it for him.

Because of him.

And he still --

He still has a place in their lives, but not beside them anymore. He knows that everyone is willing to let him slip through their fingers, and he just wants someone to hold on for once. ]

[forfeited]

[He closes his eyes at that, mulls it over, and twists himself at the shoulder so he's partially inverted, looking up at him with his face still resting against the inside of his wrist.]

...you'd like that, wouldn't you. What if figuring this situation out takes me from you again? You can't rely on an inconsistency.

[stealhearted]

[ Akira smiles, faintly. It's not a happy expression. ]

If I don't have you, then... I'll just go back to what I was doing before. [ He says it so calmly, like it costs him nothing -- like he can just go back home without worrying. Like he can leave Tokyo behind and return to that small town, and those whispers, and that empty house. Like he won't feel anything.

Because he won't, really; he made sure of that years and years ago. ]

[forfeited]

[He shifts again, reaching up with his free hand. He finds Akira's hair, first, twisting the middle bit of it like he often does himself, and then carefully runs the back of his knuckle down the bridge of his nose.]

...but you don't want to. [His tone is... gentle, but very steadfast. He's speaking from his own thoughts, here.]

[stealhearted]

[ Akira leans into the touch almost automatically, turns into it like it's something that can save him. He breathes out, slowly, leaning a little further in, like he's desperate for the contact but afraid to keep asking for it. ]

I was going to go back home. I'd do my third year and graduate. I figured my parents wouldn't care, but Sojiro might. I thought maybe I could come back to Tokyo and get a job, after that. I'd have Morgana, so I wouldn't... be alone.

[ He recites it almost automatically, but there's a long pause where he has to concentrate to make sure his voice doesn't crack, because it's the furthest thing from what he wants, but he can't handle trying to ask anyone else to pause their lives to accommodate him.

They would, which is worse than them refusing. ]

[forfeited]

[He squeezes his thumb again, twice this time, a bit like a heartbeat.]

Your "so I wouldn't be alone" sounds a lot like my "so I could choose". [He says it quietly, thoughtfully-- like he's only just made the connection, himself. He hasn't, he thinks he's understood that about them for a while, but it's different to say it. To say it to him.]

[His fingers move along his browbone and he sets his whole palm against Akira's face.] ...I think it's easier, for both of us, to focus on each other rather than ourselves. [His hand slides backward, his fingers hook gently at his ear and his jawline.] Come here.

[stealhearted]

[ Akira doesn't know what to say to that. He wants Akechi to know him, but at the same time, being seen so deeply is terrifying, because Akira is so used to casually hiding himself so that he can be what other people want him to be; what they expect him to be. It's that deep-seated terror that if anyone actually gets to know him too deeply, they'll leave.

So instead of thinking about it, he just moves as he's bid, moves forward into Akechi's touch and wonders if it isn't better this way, if Akechi can see how confused and selfish Akira is under the surface. If Akira needs Akechi and Akechi needs Akira, then --

He shifts slightly, presses his lips to the palm of Akechi's hand. ]

We've both been alone for a long time.

[forfeited]

[See, it's frightening to be seen. It's why Akechi hates it so much when Akira insists on looking at him so hard.]

[He hums, smoothing his thumb along Akira's cheekbone and nodding.] It's not always terrible.

[stealhearted]

It doesn't feel terrible when you're used to it. [ It's a weak response, but Akira think it's true to both of them -- that they'd both only known moving forward, because there wasn't anything else. Akira hadn't thought it was a particularly sad existence until he'd been around so many other people, until Tokyo broadened his horizons, until he made so many bonds.

To be honest, Akira hadn't even thought of himself as a rebellious spirit. ]

[forfeited]

Shhh. [He's startlingly protective of Akira, in this moment. It's a strange sensation, to want to shield him when he can barely shield himself, but the subtle tremor to Akira's everything has Akechi sliding his hand back through his hair and looping it around him to pull him closer, pull him down to lay flat with him.]

Probably not, but neither of us are, are we.

[stealhearted]

[ Akira curls in around Akechi. It's definitely ironic, the fact that they've both tried to kill each other (or at least arguably been responsible for a death), and now they're the ones that really see each other and understand -- but maybe it's because of that. Maybe that's why it's so much easier for the both of them. ]

Neither of us are as good at pretending as we think we are, are we? [ It's just that people see what they want to. ]

[forfeited]

I spent a solid two years fooling the greater public, speak for yourself. [He grins slightly, putting his face to Akira's temple and letting him feel the expression briefly before relaxing.]

You, though... You spent too much time being a pillar for everyone else. I was just pretending to get what I wanted. There's a solid divide there.

[stealhearted]

The greater public is pretty easy to fool... [ Akira nestles in a little more, letting his forehead fall against Akechi's neck and his eyes flutter close. Like this, it's easy to pretend there's nothing wrong.

But pretending is what got them all into this mess to begin with, isn't it? ]

Everyone else needed a pillar. And it gave me... a reason to do something.

[forfeited]

...yes, but perhaps not to the extent I had. Yoshizawa's expression was quite sincerely priceless, I must say.

[He rearranges himself carefully, finding their strange little tangle oddly comfortable and letting his eyes close over, too.] Hmm, I suppose that's just like you, to be noble in your reasons.

[stealhearted]

It was selfish. [ It's easier to say it, like this, with his eyes closed and only Akechi's voice and touch. It feels like a secret he can confess more easily if he doesn't have to see the weight of his words drop, feel like he can cringe away from it. It's easy to speak with his hands tangled in Akechi, with the warmth of him pressed against him in a long line. ]

It's because I wanted to feel needed, or... like I was worth something. Before, I was just doing whatever everyone expected of me. [ You know, until he became a nasty crime boy. ]

[forfeited]

Everything I did was. [He doesn't even hesitate to say it, because it was. It was selfish, and it was stupid, and he could have taken one of at least a million outs the Thieves offered him, and he didn't. Knowing what he does now...]

[November. He hums, pulling gently on the ends of Akira's hair.] When, in November, if I may ask?

[stealhearted]

[ Akira is quiet for a long moment, because it's kind of embarrassing to admit. ]

After you tried to kill me. I realized how much I missed your company. I liked you before that, but... [ And then the ship, where it had really solidified. ]

I was going to tell you, after we took down Shido. I wanted -- I thought we'd have more time.

[forfeited]

[His lips pull wide into a smile and he actually laughs, a short, oddly boyish sound, and he shakes his head.] Somehow I knew that would be your response. There are medications for those sorts of conditions, Kurusu.

[He leaves it at that-- doesn't comment on thinking they had more time. It wasn't like he went into it planning to die. Not really.]

[stealhearted]

You don't want to start unraveling the things I need medication and therapy for. [ Akira says it with a vague groan, because he doesn't think their relationship is ready for him to admit that he's had way too many fantasies about Akechi using the gun in considerably less murderous and way more weird ways. Or all the belts on his Metaverse outfit, or... ]

[forfeited]

[There's a beat of silence and he frowns, shaking his head in a short, jerky motion.] I don't really think I have to unravel much, I can just leave it at "nearly everything".

[Though he's glad to not yet be privy to the sheer extent of Akira's horny.]

[stealhearted]

I blame the fact that you're really hot. [ Especially when Akechi was being all faux-confident and domineering -- like, yeah, the real Akechi is clearly considerably more cautious and Akira objectively likes the real Akechi better, but sometimes Akira imagines that fake Akechi ordering him on his knees at gunpoint and--

Yeah, he's absolutely not talking about that one yet. ]

[forfeited]

[He manages to look as flustered as he is perplexed, angling himself to frown so deeply it creases his mouth and his eyebrows almost equally.]

...Kurusu, I have literally tried to kill you, and in a roundabout way succeeded. You should really not focus solely on how supposedly "hot" I am. [A beat, and he looks away, recoiling slightly from their tangle.] It doesn't excuse it, anyway.

[stealhearted]

Akira. [ Akira says it almost without thinking, but, in for a penny, in for a pound-- ]

We've made out like twice, you can call me by my first name. [ Akira doesn't call him Goro yet, or try to get him to let him, but. Honestly, that's less important right now. ]

I'm not excusing anything you did, I'm just... forgiving you. Not because you're hot. That's just a bonus.