stealhearted | after me comes the flood;

Shh. You're okay, I've got you.

[He holds his face, smoothing the pads of his fingers against his cheeks.] You're talking yourself out of venting stress again, please don't. You're always helping me, no matter what my problem is, please give me the chance to show you I can do the same.

[ Akira looks at Akechi for a long moment, and his eyes glitter with the fact that he is trying so hard not to cry. He inhales, slowly, and then exhales again; closes his eyes and tries to find that part of him that can keep moving forward no matter what. That's always there for everyone. That doesn't -- need -- ]

--Everyone's leaving me behind. [ He blurts, too quickly, not at all the casual confidence he can usually exude. ] I'm -- is that selfish? To want them to -- stay? Everyone is happy, but --

[An alarm goes off in the back of his head-- he'd mentioned going to school a distance away. He was leaving him too, wasn't he? He certainly wasn't helping. His hands skate Akira's skin, light and careful.] It's not selfish, [He offers weakly.] You don't know they're happy, not for sure, but... You're allowed to be upset they're moving on without you.

Aren't you? Happy. [ Akira shouldn't ask. He doesn't want to know, not really, doesn't want to hear Akechi say that he's happy in this false reality, where everything works the way it should and no one needs him and how it makes Akira feel like he's unseated within his skin -- until Akechi was having nightmares, until Akechi wanted his helped, needed his help, let him help in the ways that Akechi never would --

It makes Akira sick to think that Maruki might be twisting Akechi for Akira's own benefit as much as Akechi's own. ]

[The question throws him, and it echoes strangely in his head. The room abruptly becomes too warm and then too cold in a dizzying swell that happens to fast for him to bite back the flinch, and a full-body tremor runs up his spine. Exhaling in a rush, he sits nearly in Akira's lap, slotted to him with his arms finding their way loosely wound around his waist.]

I'm-- stressed, at best, school is a nightmare and you're obviously not doing well. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm certainly not miserable. Not until the actual entrance exams start, certainly.

[ ... it helps, actually, to hear that even here, in this "perfect" world, Akira isn't the only one unhappy. Akechi has everything he could have wanted, and this world still falls short; it takes some tension out of Akira's shoulders, takes some weight off of his back. Emotionally, he's still an absolute mess, guilt and desperation and an overwhelming desire to have things he can't warring inside of him, but...

Maybe it doesn't matter how good things are. Maybe they'll always have to struggle for happiness.

Maybe Akira really can be what makes Akechi -- ]

I'm not very good at... wanting things. [ Akira says it slowly, and it feels almost like it isn't immediately related to the conversation -- but it is. ]

And it feels like when I do, it doesn't -- it only hurts people, or gets me into trouble.

I've noticed, [He says it with a slight smile-- there's deep-rooted concern, there, but he's trying to keep the tone light.] You spend so much time being what you think everyone around you wants you to be, when really we just want you to be you.

[He doesn't mind the shift in topic, figuring Akira is wandering away from what is stressing him out the most. He'll come back to it, Akechi will, but he doesn't want to force him, either.]

I don't know who I am. [ This is not a conversation he should be having with an Akechi who doesn't remember having an entire breakdown in the belly of a cognitive cruise ship -- but he wouldn't have the guts to have it with that Akechi, so this'll have to do. ]

I've just always been whatever people need, but -- no one needs anything from me anymore. [ And then, hesitantly: ] Except you.

[Good thing he'll remember it, then, huh.]

[Some of the life goes out of his eyes for a moment at the first statement-- that Akira doesn't know who he is. It's sort of like the motor behind them stalls out and he spaces out, just like he has a few other times when things have rattled his head just hard enough. It feels, oddly, like something in his head is ramming against the outer walls of his skull, but it isn't quite painful.]

[Or it wasn't, until Akira mentions he needs him, and then there's a sudden battering ram force that slams into the space between his eyes and he flinches, staggering half a step forward into Akira.] ...don't, don't say things like that. Of course we need you, you're our friend. [He puts his head against his shoulder, closing his eyes in hopes that will make the sudden focused migraine abate.]

[ Akira reaches up to thread his fingers into Akechi's hair, to massage gently at his temples. It wasn't painful for Akira to "wake up" because he'd never fallen victim for the dream in the first place, but he imagines it can't be comfortable, either. He's playing with fire, here, and he relents slightly, feeling too sympathetic to want to keep pushing. ]

I think I'm the one that needs all of you. [ But it's soft; it's fond. Akira can say that with a certain power -- that he needs them. It's one of the true things that Yaldabaoth told him that remains real: that he needed friends, that he needed his connections.

If he hadn't met them, he wonders how much more similar to Akechi he would be by now. ]

[He makes an odd sort of garbled sound in the back of his throat, pushing himself away with one arm enough to put the back of his opposite hand to the bridge of his nose. He isn't sure he can open his eyes from the sudden throbbing pain between them, but he unsticks his jaw enough to mumble.] Mutual need, then.

...yeah. [ Akira feels bad that he's the reason Akechi is suffering now. Realistically, Akira is also the reason Akechi is alive, which -- is a mixed bag, all things considered.

Akira wonders, if Akechi had died, then -- ]

Here. Lay down. Neither of us got enough sleep last night.

[He shakes his head immediately, making a quiet sound and pressing his hand into his nose a little harder.] No, it-- I'm dizzy. Just. Stay there, please.

I'd go with you. [ Akira says, almost automatically, like he's reassuring him or just -- like he's trying. Akira nuzzles into Akechi slightly, letting his head rest on Akechi's shoulder. He inhales, slowly.

Akechi seems to have the same hair care routine even without being the Detective Prince. It's a funny detail that Akira doesn't know what to do with. ]

But I'll stay here as long as you need.

Okay, [His voice is small, and for some reason it irritates him. It's not like he's unbothered by weakness or expressing it, but something about it in that moment frustrates him more than it might, otherwise, and he sags at his arm where it's braced against Akira, leaving them in a sort of double-folded pile.] I'm sorry, whatever happened... It seems to be a lot more trouble than I meant.

I don't mind. [ It's soft, and warm, because it's a truth -- in either world. He likes that Akechi needs him. It makes him feel less like he's a selfish nightmare; makes him feel more like he can find his footing.

The last time he was directionless -- he doesn't want to be that angry again. ]

You're never trouble to me.

I probably should be, at least sometimes, [He argues, but it's without heat or malice. It's... actually sort of drab and quiet, really.] ...my head hurts.

You probably should be, but you aren't. [ Akira reaches back up, letting his fingers drift to Akechi's scalp again, to massage at his head gently. ]

I've got some painkillers.

Nnn, I think if I try to swallow anything right now I'll just be sick.

[The massage is nice, though.] Sorry, I'm being a baby. [He's always a baby-- this Goro is just not too proud to admit to it.]

I don't mind. [ Akira doesn't mind. He keeps up the massage, light and careful. ]

If your headache eases off, maybe we can watch something.

[He oozes, more than anything else, into a slumped position against Akira's front, about halfway to sliding into his lap.] Yeah. I still need to catch back up on Featherman, Futaba's going to kill me.

She downloads them all onto my laptop for me. [ Remotely, because Akira doesn't actually fully understand how torrenting works or how to use a VPN. He just lets Futaba do what she will, and periodically watches Featherman while studying. ]

C'mon. [ He shifts a little, moving to wiggle over so he can grab the laptop off the desk without fully detaching from Akechi. ]

Don't kill me if I fall asleep, though.

I won't, [He mumbles, wiggling a little until he's on the outside of the bed.] L'mme... stay over here, I don't wanna trip over you if I get up.

Okay. [ Akira sets the laptop up. There's a desktop folder titled WATCH ME NERD that contains all of Featherman, including several seasons that are, at the least, considerably outdated. ]

Which one did you leave off on? [ He settles back against the wall, next to Akechi, letting the laptop rest on both of their legs in between the two of them. ]

Sixteen of season eight, I think, [His eyes are closed, and he's not even really directed at the laptop, but it's fine.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject