stealhearted | after me comes the flood;

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after me comes the flood;

[ It starts like this: Akira dreaming that he's in his high school, following a butterfly and feeling the strange tell-tale feeling of the metaverse shifting around him despite the fact that the metaverse should be gone. Akira follows along as best he can when it feels like his body is moving through air denser than ice, and he wakes up with a start to the weirdest day he's ever had in his life -- which is saying something.

So, after some consideration, having talked to his friends and seen how happy they are with what Akira can only assume is some sort of fake reality, Akira settles on the one person that probably can't be fooled either. Akira can't be the only one, right? Akechi could use multiple persona, Akechi was like Akira, so --

He texts him. ]

Hey. Has your day been weird at all?

[ Which Akechi will probably respond to with the most acerbic possible text, Akira assumes, because he can't -- he can't imagine anything else. Even though Akira phrased it like Akechi might not remember, just in case. ]

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[ For a long moment, Akira doesn't move. Then he leans forward, dropping his hands from his face so he can wrap them around Akechi and bury his face in Akechi's chest in a smooth action that leaves him with no time to actually open his eyes. He's not even sure where he dropped his glasses, at this point. He isn't sure he needs them right now anyway. ]

I don't know what I need. [ It's a little muffled, being that he's speaking into Akechi's shirt, and his breathing is still a shaky inhale-exhale that leaves his throat went. It's probably not very comfortable for either of them, but Akira can't focus on that right now. ]

I don't know anything, really.

[It's not comfortable, no, but Akechi tolerates it. His arms wind upward and he folds them around Akira's head in a protective cage, resting his cheek against the backs of his fingers.]

I don't have the delicacy to be gentle or kind in these situations. You need to breathe, that much I can tell, but otherwise I am poorly equipped to actually help you through any of this. [A beat, and he sighs.] I didn't mean it to seem like I didn't want to help. It's-- I don't know how.

You help. [ It's still muffled, moreso because it's quiet -- but Akira is starting to topple off the edge of his panic attack, to come back down into some sense of quiet understanding that allows him to have something like normal human thought. His brain still feels foggy, and his stomach churns with the curry he forced himself to eat earlier. ]

Just being around you helps. When you're not angry with me. [ Which... hasn't been that often, lately -- Akechi has been pissed with Akira for one reason or another since Akira saved his life -- but there's been enough times for Akira to want to hold onto them. To hold onto Akechi. ]

Can it be enough that neither of us know what we're doing? [ Can't it be enough that they're both trying? Akira needs something to go right. God, he's going to sleep for a week after they beat up Maruki. ]

Yes, because being angry with you most of our time spent together is clearly helpful to you. [His tone is dry, but since Akira hasn't shifted to move away from where he's burrowed against him, Akechi hasn't moved his arms from around him, either.] I'm angry for a lot of reasons, but most of them aren't directly related to you specifically. You're just an easy target. As a related mention, that is wildly impolite of me, and I mostly kept doing it in some feeble hope that you would actually leave me alone if I was enough of an asshole. It's becoming very clear to me that won't be the case.

Usually, it doesn't bother me. The only thing... Things only upset me if I think I'm going to lose you. When you nearly died -- or the idea of you leaving. [ Akira doesn't mind being a target, because usually, he can just... handle things. It's just that right now he's doing an absolutely terrible job of handling anything, and apparently it's created some sort of horrible snowball where everything is constantly too much and Akira is getting absolutely buried.

Too bad therapy is literally evil. ]

It feels like -- I keep coming so close to losing things. [ He feels like he lost everything on his way into Tokyo, but then he found things so much better that he didn't realize how much he relied on them until suddenly everything was yanked out from underneath him. ]

[Akechi weighs his options for a moment, inhaling and counting to ten, letting Akira fuss. He looks up and stares at the ceiling for a while, exhaling slowly and leaning back on his heels to take Akira by the shoulders.]

[And then he shoves him over backward onto the couch, circling around it to sit beside him and gather him with a bland expression.] Which is why you're literally hyperventilating in my living room. Stop worrying so much, it's going to be fine.

[ Akira goes when Akechi shoves him, looking briefly bewildered before he manages to crack into a slightly watery smile. ]

I don't think I've cried like this since I was a kid. [ It's a little rueful, because he knows that's not exactly healthy. His friends cry, he encourages it and supports them, but him? Crying?

Nah. He just... doesn't do that. Which he thinks might be a good part of the problem. ]

... thank you, though.

[He's detached when he throws his arm over Akira's shoulders and drags him more or less into his lap, threading his fingers into his hair and setting his temple against his fingers.] Prior to recently I hadn't cried since I was about eleven, so I can't really chastise you for that. Don't thank me.

[ Akira doesn't quite relax, but he does loosen up a little. It's easy to turn his face into Akechi's thigh and just -- breathe, to let everything fall away for a minute. This is unfamiliar, but it's real in a way that the other reality wasn't, and the strangeness of it is oddly grounding. ]

I'm thanking you for being here. [ Akira says it softly; quietly. He knows this kind of thing makes Akechi uncomfortable, but at the same time, he needs Akechi to know how much it means to him. How valuable it is that Akechi is still here, even despite the past few hours -- weeks -- the entirety of their tumultuous relationship. ]

When all this is over, I'm going to be around so much you're going to be even more sick of me.

I assure you, I am already sick of you. [Such a statement is almost comically put-upon when he's slowly carding his hand through Akira's hair, stroking in as best of a soothing gesture as someone of his disposition can manage.]

I'm not here for your benefit, just so you don't get the wrong idea. [But he doesn't mind having Akira to keep him focused.]

[ Akira rolls over. It's not enough to dislodge Akechi's hand, but it's enough that Akira can look up at him through his lashes. His eyes are still a little red and a little wet, but he's as annoyingly attractive a crier as he is anything else, apparently. He reaches up to touch the tips of his fingers to Akechi's jawline, a faint smile on his face. It's genuine, at least. Fond; a little exasperated. ]

You haven't let me lie to myself, so I'm not going to let you lie to yourself, either. [ Because Akira knows a lie from Akechi when he sees one. He drops his hand to Akechi's shoulder, turning his face back into Akechi's shirt. ]

But it can't wait until we've fixed reality. [ They should maybe not add even more breakdowns onto their list. ]

I didn't ask you to save me, from myself or otherwise, you know.

[Which-- is another lie, really. He did, he thinks, just not verbally. His hand threads back into Akira's hair and he combs it with his fingers, trying to not be extremely annoyed by how pretty he is even crying. Trying, especially, to ignore how soft his fucking lips look.]

I want to. [ Akira closes his eyes and exhales, slowly; it's a little easier to relax, like this. It's a little easier, because Akechi is there, and because the contact is reassuring, and because this is something that Akira hasn't completely destroyed. ]

You might think it's trite, but I think at this point we're entwined in each other another enough that to do one, you have to do the other. [ To be save, you have to save; for either of them to help the other, they have to help themselves. It's circular, but it's weirdly stabilizing. ]

We are pretty entwined, [He offers mildly, twisting his fingers in Akira's hair. He doesn't pull it, just tugs gently, and shakes his head slowly.] I don't know that it's smart for me to linger, once we're through with Maruki.

Because of the conspiracy?

Or because of us? [ Whatever "us" is. Akira isn't really sure. He's not even really sure what he wants it to be, at the moment -- just continued contact with Akechi. Support, maybe. Some caustic comments about his chess skills.

Something approaching a normalcy they never had in the first place. ]

Mostly because of me. [He spits it, closing his eyes and curling his free arm tightly around his ribs.] The conspiracy is overall a non-issue, they can't do any worse than I've already been dealt. I don't want to perpetuate your concept of there being an "us" to cause an issue.

[He says it all in one breath, and when he's done he wheezes softly, swallowing and laying his palm over Akira's eyes.] I haven't allowed myself closeness to others since I was very young. I can't be a part of an "us". [The hand over Akira's eyes becomes important because his eyes absolutely mist over.]

Edited 2021-07-30 21:40 (UTC)

It's just you and me. [ Akira reaches out, drops his hand over Akechi's where it's across Akira's face. It feels like hiding, almost, but Akira isn't sure which of them is hiding. Both of them, maybe. ]

I don't know what "us" means. It doesn't have to mean anything. [ Akira presses down on Akechi's hand, lightly, just enough to give a steady reassuring pressure. It makes Akira's darkened vision light up gold. ]

But I know I want to stay with you.

[He's silent in a way that is telling, because he knows better than to try and talk. His voice would waver, and Akira would worry, and he can't-- won't handle it. He's had enough near-misses, he's coasting on Akira having the knowledge he isn't okay but never quite expressing it fully. He hasn't relied on anyone since his mother, and he won't start now. He draws in a careful breath, holds it, exhales, and repeats the action a few times.]

[It's still obvious how close he came to crying outright because of how obnoxiously blotchy his skin gets, and he's not wearing foundation, but it's fine. It's fine because it's Akira, and his priority is staying, and calling him out on it or otherwise acknowledging his weakness would be the fastest way to be kicked out. He's a clever bastard, even if he isn't always smart.]

I can't promise staying is on the long-term agenda. [He speaks quietly, but evenly.]

Then I'll just have to convince you to let me go with you, huh? [ Akira threads his fingers through Akechi's enough that he can pull Akechi's hand down enough to let his lips skim over Akechi's knuckles. Akira doesn't open his eyes, though -- he'll let Akechi have that much. He understands the need to hide, sometimes. ]

I couldn't convince you of anything last year. [ Akira takes it as a failure, because even if he saved Akechi, it wasn't the way he wanted things to pan out. ]

I'll work extra hard this time, to bring you around.

You don't listen any better than you did last year, so I'm not sure why you're expecting a different result. [Except it's a lie-- he knows it's different now. Backseat though he was for the circumstances before he broke free of Maruki's reality, he can't deny it's something that would have made him happy. Akira makes him as close to happy as he's been in years, he feels almost normal around him. It's easy to spend time with him, to talk to him like he isn't a murderous byproduct of years of mistreatment and things no human being, let alone a child into his teenage years, should have to deal with. If he were to ever have a companion again, an honest one, it would be Akira.]

[His stomach turns, but he curls his fingers into Akira's. It's hypocritical, to say "no" while he behaves "yes", but he hasn't figured out how to be honest on more than an extremely infrequent basis yet. His eyes burn, so he closes them, dropping his head against the top of the back of the couch and sighing.] We've barely been up a few hours and I'm tired again. I've decided I'll blame you for this.

[ Akira can't help but laugh a little at that. It's not much more than a soft chuckle, but it doesn't have that distinctively wet sound that makes it sound like he's on the verge of tears anymore. Progress, he supposes. ]

We stayed up late and got up early. [ Because both of them are incapable of not going at 100% all the time, and they both seem have to chronic nightmares, and that's without tapping in on the psychic dreams that at least Akira has. He wonders if Akechi has anything like them.

He'll ask, sometime that isn't now. ]

We could take a nap. It's barely morning. [ They'd gotten up before most things were even open, after all. ]

[He considers the suggestion for a while, finally moving his hand back into Akira's hair.] We don't exactly have time in spades, right now.

No. But everything I need is open until evening, and Maruki isn't going anywhere. [ Akira offers Akechi a smile when he finally opens his eyes. They're a little red, but he looks a little less like he's on the precipice of a breakdown. ]

Given our current track record, we probably want to be as close to our best as possible when we go up against him.

[Idly, he rolls a bit of Akira's bangs between his fingers, similar to the nervous tic he does with them periodically.] Maybe he isn't going anywhere, but we should still make haste to at least determining his threat level.

[He's exhausted in new ways, but-- it's not like he's never been exhausted before.] Though, I suppose you're still justifiably the Leader, so it's your call.

I don't really want to show up looking like I just cried, so... [ Even in this perfect reality, he's pretty sure Iwai and Takemi would worry, and that's without touching on Maruki -- though at least he'd have a mask for that part. ]

Maybe just an hour.

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