stealhearted | after me comes the flood;

I didn't get very far, so it won't be that long of a conversation. [ Akira offers him a smile before he sits down -- the smile is a little more of the kind of smile you'd expect from Akira's public persona, instead of the smiles he's started showing when it's just the two of them.

He takes a sip of the coffee, and, to his credit, he doesn't grimace: the coffee is... okay. Not great, but palatable enough.

The point is that it's caffeine. ]

It's in Odaiba. It's a palace, but he doesn't have a shadow -- it's really him ruling over it. I guess because he's altering reality, he can do that.

[He sets the bag of pastries down on their table and dutifully ignores it, sipping at his coffee and wishing, quietly, that it had adhered to the perfect reality concept, just for today. It's a bit fitting that since he's remembered he remembers that it wasn't fantastic, but he drinks at it anyway for a similar reason as Akira. Caffeine is caffeine when you're in as much of a state as the two of them are.]

[He carefully sets his cup down.]

I don't doubt there are quite a lot of things he can accomplish here that he may not otherwise have been able to. We need to proceed with caution, and I know how difficult that can be for you.

[ Akira is pretty sure the coffee can't be perfect because Leblanc already has the perfect coffee, and that's perfection as far as Akira is concerned -- but also the coffee budget of most other coffee shops is probably not as high as Leblanc, thanks to Sojiro's retirement fund. ]

I'm cautious when I need to be. It's just the two of us, right now. [ Akira hesitates, because it isn't that he wants to insult Akechi -- he's extremely capable. He's stronger than Akira, more than likely. ]

I'm more concerned with slowing you down.

[He considers that, closing his eyes and eventually shaking his head.]

I managed on my own as long as I did because I knew what I was up against. I spent most of my time in Mementos, the Palaces I traversed weren't places I went guns blazing.

In raw strength, I think you outclass me. I just had backup. [ The only time they've really fought one on one, after all, Akechi was specifically not using his full power. ]

But it just means we'll have to work together more than usual. I don't know all of your capabilities, but it'll probably be better if I run support. [ Akira has a lot of persona with healing and defensive abilities, after all. ]

Anyway -- I can draw a little map of the part that I got into. Kasumi helped, but I haven't been able to get ahold of her for a couple days. Her phone is really unreliable. [ Which is the only reason Akira hasn't worried. ]

[He hums, agreeable to the notion. He had been running Mementos solo longer than the Thieves had been active at all, and between the two of them he was slightly broader, in most regards. Akira was agile, he was quick, but Akechi likely was the victor when it came to brute strength. They were roughly on par with one another in terms of tactical approach, though Akira won out with having experience with arranging a team. He raised a hand and seemed to count on his fingers a moment, opening his eyes and watching his fingers shift for a moment in silence.] You have more support skills, and you will run yourself down faster, so you'll be in charge of items, as well. Focus on yourself, primarily, I'll let you know if I need something. [He won't, but it sounds nice to Akira's savior complex, he's sure.]

[He raises his eyes and a flash of confusion crosses his face. Kasumi? Who was--?] ...Yoshizawa. She really ought to have that thing replaced.

Apparently her perfect world doesn't involve a working phone. [ Which, you know. Fair. Akira doesn't think his phone is that high on anyone's priority list, save for maybe. Futaba. ]

You're going to hate it, though. It's all white. The shadows are all doctors and they try to give you therapy. [ Akira's tone is very, very dry, because he tried therapy and didn't think it went that bad. About that! ]

There's calming mood music.

[He actually snorts, bringing his coffee to his lips again and laying the hand he was counting on flat against the table.] I can't blame her for that.

[He sneers, clearly already disgusted by the Palace, but shrugs.] I would have hated it regardless, having it be as garish and overblown as his ideals will just incite rage and help me kill things faster.

...I'm actually kind of looking forward to this. I've never worked with you when all your limiters are off. [ Akira sounds a little -- curious, almost? Akechi had helped with Shido; with Yaldabaoth; but the Akechi that he showed then -- quietly furious and deeply controlled in his tension -- is different than the Akechi he thinks he'll see now. This Akechi is tired; this Akechi is furious and doesn't need to pull back from that in front of Akira. ]

[His expression pinches, and he regards Akira critically. He has the least reason to keep himself in check around him, the least reason to fear his reaction to the sheer incandescence of Loki's influence, of letting his anger push him forward. But at this point, he's too tired to rein himself in. He doesn't care what anyone thinks of him anymore. He wants to be done with it all, and he wants to hide away from the perception of anyone when it's over.]

[He takes another long sip of his coffee.] I won't bother trying to understand why you want to see me at my most exhausted and unwilling to check my behavior for anyone else's benefit, but I'll tell you now to not expect any apologies if I offend you.

I like seeing you when you're genuine. [ Akira doesn't tell Akechi that Akechi being 'genuine' also includes a certain amount of detective prince behaviors, because he knows Akechi won't believe him, but it's quantifiably true. Akechi is absolutely a mix of the personas he tried to wield in public.

Akira likes both options, which is almost upsetting with how far he's fallen. ]

I always wanted to see more of the you that you kept hidden. ...Sorry, that's a little weird, isn't it? [ Akira shakes his head a little, then goes back, tapping out a quick list of what he'd seen when he'd briefly infiltrated. ]

The shadows I fought myself -- I mostly tried to avoid them -- had a few weaknesses, so if we stock up on some items to help cover any gaps...

[Akechi's eyebrows raise, but he keeps his eyes fixed on his coffee, setting it down to self-consciously adjust his gloves.] I feel like sometimes you really don't think very hard before you say things. [He's starting to wonder if that's mostly a side effect of dealing with him, specifically.]

[Tracing the outer edge of the lid of his coffee, he hums, nodding.] I've never had much choice on what items or what quantity of them I'm able to carry, it's a matter of what I find. [He lacks a source like Takemi, is what he's saying.]

I'm winging it more often than you'd think. [ Akira sometimes chooses to stay quiet, and he thinks a little about reacting to, like, teachers, but Akechi? Nah. He usually goes with his instinct. ]

I'll have to make a couple stops, but I can get us stocked up. Even if the Phantom Thieves didn't "exist" in this reality, it seems like all the money I collected still does. [ Which is to say that Akira is... well-off, in terms of finances. ]

It'll be worth it to cover our weaknesses.

I was aiming to be somewhat charitable. [Meaning he is well aware you frequently don't think. He shifts the sleeve on his coffee cup, nodding.]

And I imagine you want me to accompany you on these stops.

You don't have to, if there's something you need to be doing. I just thought it's better than being alone. [ Akira traces the rim of his coffee cup, almost absentmindedly; he can handle seeing Iwai, Takemi, and so on -- their perfect worlds aren't that different from reality -- but he doesn't like to think about Akechi sitting at home in that apartment. ]

[He doesn't look up. He understands what Akira is getting at, and... Can't decide what he thinks about it, really. For so long he's wanted someone to care, and here Akira is, caring freely. Wanting nothing but his company in exchange.]

[His stomach turns, and he brings a hand to lay the backs of his fingers against his lips, closing his eyes. At this point he thinks he'd like to be sick, but then Akira would just fret. He gathers himself, swallows, and draws in a careful breath, moving his hands.] I don't need a babysitter.

It's not babysitting. I'm not -- it's just... [ Akira looks away, and his hand goes back up to his hair, without thinking about it; his posture is a little hunched over, like he's trying to make himself a little bit smaller without going full meltdown about it. ]

...I was alone, in Leblanc. For awhile. So I just -- I think about you being alone in your condo, with the rest of the world moving on without you because they're all happy, and I don't want that. Even if it's only me, I don't want to move on without you.

I'm used to being unwanted, Kurusu, if you haven't forgotten. It isn't an unwelcome reminder to me that the world turns without paying me any mind. [He's-- frustrated. Akira is frustrating. He wants to care for him and pay attention to him and he doesn't want to "move on without him", but he's not taking into consideration that he may want to be forgotten. All he wanted for years was to be seen, for someone to recognize what he did, and now the idea is soured in his heart and his mind because he had it, he had the attention of all of Japan and some of the whole world, but it was all a lie. It was fake, and he was setting himself up.]

[So he thinks he's allotted some time to be forgotten. Or maybe he'd just like to forget himself.]

[ Akira doesn't flinch, this time; he just gazes, unseeingly, across the cafe. There's a child telling her mother all about her day in preschool; the barista is reading a manga in her downtime; everything looks pastel and warm in the morning light and it makes Akira's stomach twist. ]

...I want you. [ It's quiet, careful; it's honest, and that's dangerous, with Akechi, because Akechi is volatile and likely to throw anything honest right back at Akira like he doesn't care about it at all. Like he doesn't care about him at all. ]

If you want time alone, I... get it. [ Time without Akira, he means. He understands, even if he doesn't like it; the thought of being alone makes his stomach roll uncomfortably, because Akira hasn't been alone in a very long time and it turns out he isn't any good at it anymore. ] But I don't want a world if you're not in it.

And if I said I did?

[Akira is right to fear he'll spit back at him for his honesty. His honesty terrifies him, it makes no sense to him. There has to be a catch, there has to be something for him to be getting out of this. And in anticipation of that unknown, he's terrified of allowing Akira any closer to what he wants. If he wants Akechi, his time and his attention, when he gets it, he'll want whatever it is he expects from him for it. Nothing in the world came free, came without consequence.]

[Akira's honesty makes his spine itch.]

...I know that. [ Akira sounds both biting and tired, which is kind of impressive, all things considered. ]

You don't want to be in this world, or you think you don't deserve to be in the world, or to be happy. I know that. I know you didn't want me to save you back on the ship. [ Akira sighs. He was doing pretty good about pretending he was fine, but Akechi is finding all his weak points to rip off whatever armor Akira managed to scrounge up. He just feels tired again. He can't be proactive about anything when everything is so exhausted. ]

I know you don't want me to love you. I know you think I'd be better off with someone else, or that I'll snap out of it. That maybe if you died I'd wise up and move on. But I don't think I would.

[ He's so tired. ] I can't let you go.

[He grits his teeth and seethes for a long handful of seconds, eyes closed and coffee cup buckling slightly in one hand. He releases it, bringing that hand back to claw backward into his hair and pull on it at the base of his neck, draws in a breath, exhales.]

[Something in the resigned way Akira insists makes him boil over, and he pushes back from the table, standing.]

[Except he stops. He could storm off, he wants to, or he thinks he wants to. But he just stands there, hands curled into fists at his sides, and looks between Akira and the floor a few times. At first he's livid, his expression all harsh angles and furrowed eyebrows, his lips pulled away from his teeth in a snarl and his shoulders drawn up. An attempt at looking larger, to seem threatening. But the first time he throws his gaze to his feet without spitting something-- anything at him, he gets tangled, words dying in his throat and his posture changes.]

[It's realizing that he wants to be angry at Akira, that it's easiest to blame this all on him, to realizing that he can't accept it because he isn't worth it, that Akira hit the nail right on the head about him, and somehow still fucking wants him that draws him in on himself. His arms come up around his ribs and he just shakes his head, and when he looks back up at Akira again he still looks angry, but in a similarly exhausted way to Akira's own state.] You'll have to learn.

Edited 2021-07-19 18:22 (UTC)

[ Akira doesn't flinch against the words, just closes his eyes and breathes, very carefully. He keeps his eyes closed longer than he might, normally, because he's afraid if he opens them and sees that defeated, enraged look on Akechi's face he's just going to cry again, and they're having this entire argument in public.

He finally opens his eyes again; he neglects to make eye contact in favor of running his hand through his hair. They haven't drawn attention -- is that part of the perfect world? It tastes bitter in Akira's mouth. ]

...So I'll go do my errands, and we'll infiltrate this afternoon. [ Akira stands up, pushing his chair back in as he steps away, coffee in hand. He considers it for a moment, and then chugs the rest without really tasting it. It can't taste worse than the emotion he's currently feeling.

It burns a little on the way down. It's kind of nice. ]

I'll let you know if anyone else wakes up.

[Don't leave me, he wants to say. He tastes the words on his tongue like bile. He hates how badly he wants to follow, how badly he wants to allow himself this simple, stupid thing. Akira benefits from it just by receiving it, doesn't he? Can't that be enough? Just his attention, just his companionship. It's never that easy, he's never enough, never has been and never will be, and surely not as simply as just this. So he fights back, because he can't not fight back.]

When are you going to wake up, Kurusu?! For fuck's sake, this isn't-- [He just yells, wordlessly, keeping his voice as controlled as he can manage and folding forward just enough to grip at the sides of his head without having to raise his arms very far.]

[ Akira jerks back like Akechi hit him. It might be easier if he had. Akira's been waiting for it since the previous night, and Akechi just keeps -- not doing it. They're both waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It comes all in a rush: the hot heat at the corner of his eyes, the knowledge that if he tries to speak his voice is just going to break, the way his pulse kicks up a staccato beat in his chest that makes him feel like he's dying. Like maybe he wants to.

Instead, he just steps around the table, reaches out -- falters; looks away. He just barely brushes against the side of Akechi's elbow. ]

Let's -- leave. [ It's all he can manage right now. They're causing a scene and Akira can't deal with it; can't deal with the idea of other people looking at him in their perfect world that he's going to destroy. ]

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